


The Voodoo Predicament

by abbyzelda



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: M/M, No Spoilers, you know you want to read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-03-21
Packaged: 2018-01-16 12:02:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1346755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/abbyzelda/pseuds/abbyzelda
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Raj loves Howard. Too bad he’s already dating someone. But wait, what’s this? A Voodoo doll? Surely those things don’t work … do they? Oneshot. Pre-Bernadette.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Voodoo Predicament

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this AGES ago, but I finally decided to post it. Just a fun, silly story for my OTP. Special thanks to my amazing shipping buddy (you know who you are) for giving me the confidence and the motivation to publish the story. Enjoy! x

Never had Koothrappali’s apartment felt so empty. The Indian man sighed and turned off the TV with a click of the remote. Normally Raj would enjoy watching reruns of The Bachelorette, but he’d been feeling so particularly lonely and depressed these last few weeks that it was understandably the last show he wanted to see.

Thinking that perhaps some tea might help soothe his sorrow, Raj got up from the sofa and walked over to the kitchen. He filled a kettle with water and placed it on the stovetop to boil. Meanwhile, he thought about the fact that he was nearly twenty-eight and still single. It made him feel pathetic and afraid. What if he never got married and had children? His parents would be terribly disappointed.

_Hiss…_

Raj rushed over to turn off the stove and removed the lid from the kettle. He thought about his aforementioned parents back in India. They’d certainly tried to fix him up with girls before. He remembered all too well the ‘Little Lalita’ fiasco. And then that other chick who turned out to be lesbian.

“What next?” he wondered out loud as he poured the boiling water into a mug after adding a tea packet. “A stripper?”

_Hmm, I know someone who would like that,_ he thought before taking a sip. A soft smile curved Raj’s lips as he thought about his best friend. Truthfully, Howard was very special to him. He’d never experienced such a close connection with any other person before, not even Priya. Raj remembered when he’d just moved to America. How lost and scared he felt, like a small boy starting kindergarten. His shyness was incredible. He couldn’t talk to anyone. Not just women. _Anyone_.

He cringed as he remembered how he used to sit at the university lunch table by himself every single day … that is, until Howard reluctantly walked over there and introduced himself one noteworthy Tuesday. And from that day on, their nerdy clique they’d established with Leonard and Sheldon could rival the bond of The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants—which was incidentally his third favourite book, right after Twilight and Eat, Pray, Love, of course. 

But Raj’s affections towards Howard had grown beyond platonic. He’d denied the suspicious feelings he harboured inside his heart for years, until he one day finally decided to confront them. He had a crush on his best friend. A huge crush. Sure, Howard wasn’t the most attractive man the world had to offer (far from it, really), and yes, he could be cruel, thoughtless, disgusting, creepy, and even racist sometimes … but Raj saw through his weaknesses. In his eyes, Howard’s flaws actually made him more endearing. He was—cliché as it sounds—perfectly imperfect. 

Raj wasn’t exactly secretive about his crush. A lot of times the comments he whispered into Howard’s ear were downright flirtatious. And yet the depression engulfed him, not because he had feelings for his closest friend, but because Howard would likely never return them. Lusting after the female species was essentially his life’s purpose. Besides, he’d even said himself that Zac Efron would be his ideal type if he desired males. Raj sighed. Life was so unfair.

Realizing that it probably wouldn’t do him much good to just mope around in his apartment, Raj tipped the mug and dumped the rest of the tea down the sink, grabbed his keys and headed out the door for a walk that would hopefully clear his head.

* * *

 

He wasn’t sure how exactly he’d ended up standing in front of the Cheesecake Factory, but he figured that his brain had scrambled the variables ‘depression’ ‘lonely’ and ‘late night’ into an equation which could only equal ‘drink’. Not willing to argue with his impulses, Raj pushed open the door and stepped inside the restaurant.

He walked over to the bar and saw Penny, who was working overtime to earn a little extra cash, standing behind the counter.

The blonde perked up and smiled when she saw her friend there. “Hey Raj!” Said man gave a small wave and sat down in one of the stools.

“Grasshopper, right?” she asked. Raj nodded. While she was fixing his drink, Raj looked around the restaurant. Suddenly, his eyes widened as he saw who was walking in through the door.

_Is that Howard?_

His heart sank as he realized that Howard wasn’t alone. Following him was a young woman who was obviously his date. Howard hadn’t told him he was seeing someone.

“Raj?”

The astrophysicist jumped at the sound of his name, and turned to see Penny holding the Grasshopper in her hand. He gave a weak smile and nodded thanks before taking the green drink and quietly sipping it, trying to ignore the bitterness crawling inside him. Penny noticed his crestfallen expression and pouted.

“Aww, what’s wrong, sweetie? You look sad.”

Raj sighed, setting down his glass. “I’m so lonely, Penny. I’ve lived in this country for almost ten years and I still haven’t found anyone. I mean, you’ve got Leonard, Howard’s got a girlfriend now … I’m all alone.”

“Maybe you and Sheldon could hook up.”

Raj gave her a horrified look like she’d just asked him to murder someone.

“Kidding!” Penny giggled. He smiled slightly, but that smile quickly wore off.

Penny frowned. She hated seeing Raj like this. Suddenly, she got an idea. “Ooh! I know what’ll cheer you up.” She opened up a drawer and pulled out a doll that looked exactly like Howard. She grinned and handed it to Raj.

“What is it?” he asked, staring at the doll in his hand.

“It’s a Voodoo doll,” Penny explained. “I have a friend who makes them back in Nebraska. She knows I’m into Voodoo, so I asked her to make me a Howard doll just in case, you know, I get so pissed at Howard that I want to twist his arm without anyone knowing that I did it.”

“Does it work?” Raj asked with a slightly hopeful tone.

Penny shrugged. “Dunno. I haven’t tried it yet. I guess I’ve been saving it for when Howard does something stupid, like that time he tried to kiss me.”

Raj inspected the doll carefully; he then glanced over to where Howard and his new potential girlfriend were sitting. Voodoo, huh?

“Thanks, Penny.” Raj smiled.

She returned it. “Sure. Hey, I have a Sheldon doll too, you want it?”

Raj shook his head. “I think you need it more than I do. Here.” He reached into his pocket and gave her a tip. He then quickly finished his drink, got up and decided to go find a table to sit.

Penny’s eyes lit up as she held the generous bill in her hands. “Ooh! Now I can finally buy those cute shoes!”

* * *

 

Raj sat at a lonesome table, a few feet away from where Howard was sitting. Raj could see him perfectly; however, there was a plant that obstructed Raj from Howard’s view, so he was safe. He stared closely at the doll, wondering if there was even a chance that it could really work. Surely a scientist of his standing shouldn’t even consider believing in something as skeptical as Voodoo; he should naturally dismiss the notion, scoff and keep the doll purely for purposes that he’d rather not disclose with anyone.

But still, it couldn’t hurt to try, could it?

“Oh, what the hell.” Raj gently grabbed the doll’s hand and raised it so the arm was elevated. He then moved the arm so the doll gave a little wave. He immediately glanced over to Howard’s table and saw that sure enough, Howard waved too.

Raj blinked rapidly several times just to make sure he wasn’t imagining things. No, it had to be a coincidence. He stared closely at the doll, his eyes narrowed. Then, realizing that this was probably the closest he would ever get to touching Howard, he softly stroked the doll’s chest with his thumb. He then started tickling the doll, playfully but effectively. He looked over at the other table, and saw that Howard was squirming slightly, biting his lower lip as if he were trying to choke back giggles.

Raj dropped the doll from shock. This was _freaky_!

He decided to try one more thing. He gently picked up the doll again and whispered one word into its ear: “Testing.”

Howard said it.

Raj was stunned. Although he was not blessed with Sheldon’s acute hearing, he did possess the ability to read lips, just like H.A.L. And Howard’s lips had _definitely_ just uttered that seven-letter word.

The astrophysicist gazed at the doll, then over to Howard, then back at the doll. Suddenly, an evil smirk grew on his face. Maybe he could have some fun with this…

* * *

 

“Wow! So you’re like, an astronaut? That is so cool!” Amber gushed.

Howard flashed his cocky grin. “Yep, soon I’ll be a regular Neil Armstrong.”

“That’s awesome!”

Howard grinned again. This date couldn’t be going any more smoothly. By the time they had a few drinks and left, he’d be guaranteed to have a _real_ woman lying in his bed tonight, not just a sexual fantasy.

“So tell me about yourself,” Amber said, twirling her hair. “What kind of things do you like?”

“Let’s see.” Howard tried to think of things to say that would impress her. “I like magic tricks, coitus, and Rajesh Koothrappali.” 

“I’m sorry?”

Howard’s throat went dry. He had _definitely_ not meant to say that last one. “N-nothing. Star Wars! That was what I wanted to say.”

“Ah,” she nodded. “Interesting. You must have a lot of friends.”

“Well, let’s see,” Howard started. “There’s Leonard. He’s okay, I guess. Then there’s Penny—she’s that lovely lady right over there. Then we have Sheldon. I think the less said about him, the better. And finally there’s Raj. He’s pretty cool. Kind of the quiet type; can’t speak to women unfortunately, which is kind of ironic cause he’s _really_ feminine. But he’s also nice, and friendly. He gets along with people easily, which is more than I can say for the others, myself included, and he is pretty smart, and trustworthy, and he’s so damn sexy that I just want to rip all his clothes off and devour that sweet little tuches of his!” 

“What?!”

* * *

 

Raj could barely suppress his snickering as he kept whispering to the doll, watching Howard’s face turn more and more red.

* * *

 

“YOU SLEPT NAKED WITH HIM IN THE ARCTIC?!”

“I-it was one time, t-the heat went out!” Howard stammered, trying to get a hold of himself. “We promised we were never going to mention it again! I swear, it wasn’t some weird sexual thing!” He felt completely overwhelmed. Why was he saying all these things? It was like he couldn’t control himself. He’d never been in a predicament like this one before. He had desperately tried several times to stand up and reach towards her breasts, anything at this point to prove he was heterosexual, but it was like some unknown force kept slamming him down onto the chair.

“Anything else I should know?!” Amber demanded.

“YES, THAT TIME ME AND RAJ WERE IN THAT THREESOME WAS THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE!” Howard bellowed.

“Okay, I think I’ve heard enough,” Amber scowled. “You obviously love this Raj person more than myself. Goodbye, Howard.”

“W-wait!” But it was too late. She’d left.

Howard groaned.

It looked like the only one joining him in bed tonight would be his robotic arm.

* * *

 

Raj decided he’d had enough fun and his since his mission was now accomplished, he slid the doll into his trouser pocket. He did feel slightly bad about ruining Howard’s date, but still, what were the chances that Howard wasn’t going to screw it up anyways? After all, this is Howard we’re talking about here.

He innocently approached the table where his Jewish friend was located and grinned at him. “Hey buddy. Fancy meeting you here.”

“Hey.”

Raj sat down in the now empty chair. “What’s the matter?”

“I had a date, but she left.”

“Oh, that’s _terrible,_ dude.” Raj tried to sound as genuine as he possibly could, trying to fight the smirk that was threatening to explode like a supernova all over his face. “What happened?”

“I … don’t know. You’re going to think this is crazy, but I swear, it was the weirdest thing. It was like, all of a sudden I didn’t have control over myself. I kept saying all these embarrassing things, and touching her, and doing things I never do.”

“Huh. That _is_ weird.” _Sucker._

“Yeah. Shame, she was really hot.”

“Let’s face it,” Raj said. “She would probably have run away after meeting your mother.”

“Like you did?”

“Dude, your mom’s _huge_!”

No argument there. With a mischievous glint in his eyes, Howard said, “How about we head to my house for a little Halo 3?”

“You read my mind.” They rose, simultaneously.

“So…” Raj said as they were walking out the restaurant. “I couldn’t help overhear some of the things you said about me…”

Panicking. “Raj, I swear that wasn’t me. I don’t know what it was, but I didn’t mean any of it. None of what I said about you was true.”

Raj felt slightly disappointed. “Really? _None_ of it?”

“Well, I guess _some_ of it,” Howard mumbled, looking away. “You _are_ friendly, and smart. And cool.”

“Don’t forget sexy.”

Howard stared at him blankly before rolling his eyes. “ _Right_.”

“I am so gonna beat your sorry ass, dude,” Raj teased.

“We’ll see about that … honey.”

That word momentarily stopped Raj in his tracks. Then he smiled breezily. That’s right. _He_ was Howard’s ‘honey’.

“After you, m’lady,” the engineer teased when they got to the door.

Raj rolled his eyes, but smiled as well. As he was walking out the door, he pecked his best friend on the cheek. “Now who’s the lady?” he smirked, amused.

“Wow, Leonard’s mother was right,” the Jewish male remarked after a few flustered seconds. “We _are_ in an ersatz homosexual marriage.”

“Dude, you _just_ realized that?”

“Shut up.”

“Sorry, I don’t see a pair of tits on you, honey!”

“You realize we’ve been standing in front of the door for almost a minute.”

“Well, whose fault is that, _honey_?”

“Would you cut that out?”

“You’re the one who started it, _honey_.”

“Why didn’t we let you get deported?”

“Because then I wouldn’t be able to do this right now.” Raj didn’t care how cheesy it was. He didn’t care about any bystanders. At that moment, the only preoccupation on his enthused mind was minimizing the gap between himself and his friend. Placing both hands on Howard’s shoulders, the astrophysicist connected their lips, feeling sweet shivers from the contact. Although the kiss only lasted about a second, to Raj it felt like a galactic year by the time they broke apart.

 

Raj was all tingly. He couldn’t believe it. He’d actually _kissed_ Howard! Not a peck on the cheek, not in a dream. A real kiss, and holy Spock, did it feel amazing! But as soon as that euphoria fleeted, he was left with a pinch of fear and regret when he remembered the other party involved. What would Howard say? How would he react? In his eyes, it could only go two ways: Howard would either snap at him (what the hell, Raj?) or turn into a blushing, stuttering mess.

Instead, the perpetually horny engineer simply smiled and said, “Let’s go then, honey,” interlacing their fingers together. It was at that moment that Raj realized: as useful as the doll had seemed, it was only a catalyst. Howard did return his feelings after all, Voodoo or no Voodoo.

Still, that certainly wouldn’t stop him from having some more fun with it later…

* * *

 

Penny stood behind the counter staring at the door, jaw agape, eyes wide as saucers.

What just happened?

One minute Raj was sitting there sulking and moaning about how he was all alone, and now he and Howard had just walked out of the restaurant, kissing and holding hands?

Did I miss something?

Was is the Grasshopper? The fact that it was Anything-Can-Happen-Thursday? The doll?

Penny gasped as realization flashed across her eyes. That had to be the only reasonable explanation. “I knew Voodoo was real!” She triumphantly opened the drawer and pulled out the Sheldon doll. “Scientific hokum, my ass,” she smirked, holding the doll in her hand. Suddenly, all those times Sheldon insulted, belittled, and underestimated her raced to her mind. Maybe it was time for a little revenge…

“Let’s see, now…” How could she torture the Whackadoodle? Should she dip him in water? Give him a little taste of Junior Rodeo?

No, she had a better idea. Sheldon _hated_ germs.

Smirking, she brought the doll to her lips and kissed it. It was a simple trick, but devious nonetheless.

“Good night, Moonpie.”

* * *

 

Meanwhile, in an apartment building in Los Robles Avenue, Leonard had decided to stay up late to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Suddenly, he was startled by a piercing shriek that came from his roommate’s bedroom.

“DANGER DANGER!”

 

**Author's Note:**

> That ‘honey’ bit was inspired by a little moment in “The Pulled Groin Extrapolation.” It’s a really cute scene :)  
> And yes, I’m a Shenny shipper. She only kissed him for fun, though … this time ;)


End file.
